Rock Lee is a douchebag
by New Warrior of Fire
Summary: Lee has just been awarded most improved Genin of the year, and Gai rigs it so Sasuke has to write his acceptance speech! But Sasuke's planning something . . . Warning: Gai/Lee fans should not read this.


Kakashi was trudging along the streets of Konoha, burdened by an unpleasant task he had to carry out. He knew he had to tell Sasuke the truth, but he also knew that the young Genin would not take the news well.

Presently, he saw Sasuke, practicing his aim by throwing Kunai at a nearby tree. He sighed to himself, briefly wondering if he should wait until Sasuke wasn't armed to tell him. _No,_ he thought. _I have to tell him right away, even if it kills me. _He walked up to Sasuke, the dread growing thicker with every step.

"Sasuke?" he asked.

Sasuke threw the Kunai he was holding, and it struck deep into the center of his target. He turned to Kakashi. "Yes, Sensei?" he asked.

Kakashi sighed again. "I don't know how to tell you this, but . . ."

"What?" Sasuke asked.

"Well . . . IlostabettoGaiandnowyouhavetowriteasupersmuggyspeechforLee."

Sasuke's eyes widened. "What?!"

"I lost a bet to Gai-"

"I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID!" Sasuke yelled. "How does YOU losing a bet to Gai translate to me having to write a speech for that douche bag?!"

Kakashi said, "You see, it happened earlier this morning . . ."

Earlier that morning . . .

Kakashi was walking leisurely down the street when he ran into Gai, who was flexing his arms and muttering about how hot he was.

"Well, look who it is," Gai drawled in his usual smug voice.

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "Good morning, Gai."

"So you accept my challenge, then?" Gai asked out of nowhere.

"What?" Kakashi asked, bewildered. "What challenge? What are you talking about?"

"Well, it's really quite simple, Kakashi." Gai pulled a small pair of silver bells out of his pocket. "These bells are scattered all over Konoha. Whoever collects the most bells in one hour wins." He pulled out a thick wad of paper, the front page of which was covered in writing. "All you have to do is sign here."

Kakashi sighed. "Fine, if it'll shut you up." He wrote his name along the marked line.

Gai grinned. "Wonderful," he said.

"Gai beat me by one set of bells," Kakashi explained. "Then, he said that the contract I'd signed bound me to have one member of my team write a smuggy speech for Lee. Apparently, he's been given some award and has to give an acceptance speech. So I read over the contract, and sure enough, it said that if I lost, one of my team had to write the speech. It was signed by the Hokage himself. Gai got to choose which team member it would be, and he chose you."

Sasuke glared. "Okay, so exactly how did Gai manage to beat you? Wasn't your specialty search and rescue when you were a Genin?"

"Well, it so turns out that the one who hid the bells in the first place was Gai." Kakashi shook his head in disgust. "I'm sorry, Sasuke. You'll just have to put up with it. The speech is-"

"Tomorrow," came a smug voice from behind them. It was Gai, closely followed by his favorite student, Rock Lee. He turned to Lee and said, "He's all yours, Lee. Come on, Kakashi. Let's leave them to it."

Kakashi rubbed his temples. "Good luck, Sasuke." He said as he and Gai walked away in opposite directions.

Sasuke glared at Lee, who was grinning at him obnoxiously. It was clear that he wasn't getting out of this one.

"Okay, Sasuke." Lee said. "I am going to the library to make the necessary preparations for you to come and write my speech. I will meet you back here in twenty minutes." And with that, the little weenie ran off.

Sighing, the emo ninja slumped on the ground. He only had twenty minutes of freedom, and he was going to spend every second of it sulking.

After a few minutes, Naruto came by. He stood over Sasuke, a perplexed expression on his face. "Sasuke?" he questioned. "Uh . . . what are you doing on the ground?"

Sasuke rolled over, avoiding Naruto's gaze. "I don't wanna talk about it," he muttered.

Naruto got down on one knee and set a hand on Sasuke's shoulder. "Well, I just want you to know that I support you, even though I have no idea what you're upset about."

"Look to the left and you'll find out," Sasuke said darkly. Naruto turned to his left to see Lee coming down the road.

Lee stopped just short of them. "It is time to get up, Sasuke. Let us go now to write the speech." Grumbling, Sasuke got to his feet.

"Speech? What speech?" Naruto asked.

"The Hokage has presented me with an award," Lee said, his voice as exuberant as a caffeinated cheerleader.

Naruto narrowed his eyes, suddenly understanding why Sasuke was so upset. "Oh, what's it for? Douche bag of the year?" Lowering his voice, he muttered, "Man, they'll award anything these days."

Lee frowned. "For your information, Naruto, I have been named 'Most Improved Genin of the Year'."

"That makes sense, since you sucked so bad at the beginning of the year," Naruto said.

Lee turned to Sasuke and said, "Let us go." He took Sasuke by the arm and started walking away. Sasuke jerked his arm away angrily and followed from a few meters behind.

Naruto yelled after them, "What's next? Bushier Brow winning 'Best Sensei of the Year?'"

Kakashi came up behind him and set a hand on his shoulder. "God forbid, Naruto," he said. "God forbid."

A few minutes later, Lee and Sasuke were in the library. Sasuke sat down to a small desk, upon which was a bottle of ink, a brush, and a stack of fresh paper.

"Okay, let us begin," Lee said. Sasuke growled as he dipped his brush in the ink.

Lee said, "First, write few sentences on how happy I am to win this award. Thank a few people who have helped me along the way."

Grumbling, Sasuke scribbled a few sentences. Lee went on.

"Now, write something about how hard-working people, like me, will always come out ahead of naturally people, like you and Naruto. No offense." Lee paced a few steps thoughtfully.

Sasuke rolled his eyes as he wrote down Lee's proposed line of crap. _Note to self: Kill Gai and Lee,_ he thought.

"Next, write a sentence on what a great sensei Gai-sensei is. And keep it to ten words."

Sasuke wrote, "Gai-sensei is the greatest teacher in the universe." _What a load_, he thought.

Lee said, "On second thought, Gai-sensei is such a great teacher. You can use more space. Two pages ought to do."

Trembling with suppressed rage, Sasuke lined out the last of what he'd written. _Revised note to self: Kill Gai and Lee; make Lee's death long and painful._

It went on like this for some two hours before Sasuke finally had the speech written. Lee read through it a few times, making sure it was exactly what he wanted.

"Excellent work, Sasuke. This is an excellent first draft."

"WHAT?!" Sasuke yelled. "First draft?! I've been working on this for hours! I just want to go home and wash the smug off of me. What more do you want me to do?!!"

"The speech itself is good, but for me to read it tomorrow, I will need it to be in red ink. I will just need you to re-write it, and I will be back for it in the morning."

"This is total crap! Why didn't you just have me write it in red in the first place?!"

"I do not mean to be insensitive, Sasuke," Lee said. "But your handwriting is quite terrible."

Sasuke just sat there, speechless with fury. His whole body was shaking as he suppressed the urge to strangle Lee and be done with this crap. Suddenly, he had a brilliant idea. It would be perfect. He could take Gai and Lee down in one shot. No one would suspect a thing.

With a deranged smile, Sasuke said, "Okay, Lee. I'll get right to it. In fact, why don't you just go home and rest up for your big speech tomorrow?"

"Good idea, Sasuke. I will see you tomorrow." And with that, the raging douche bag took off.

As soon as he was gone, Sasuke started cackling wildly. This was going to be the greatest scheme ever. He rinsed his brush, dipped it into the red ink bottle, and set to work.

The next day, everyone was seated in the training area, which had been set up for Lee's speech. People had come from all five of the hidden villages for the Chunin exams, and since they were staying in the Hidden Leaf Village they were also required to attend the speech. All the ninja students were grumbling about having to sit through a stupid smug speech when they had better things to do.

All, that is, except for Sasuke. Sasuke was suppressing laughter as he thought of his brilliant plan. He'd made some major revisions to Lee's speech, and he was counting on the fact that Lee would read the speech to the letter. After all, he was the biggest goody-goody suck-up in Konoha.

Naruto, who was sitting next to Sasuke, stared at him, wondering what he was in such a good mood about. He was about to ask Sasuke to share when Gai came out onstage. He gave Lee an arrogant introduction before welcoming Lee onstage. Lee paused to smile at the audience before he began.

"Hello, Konoha. My name is Rock Lee, and today I would like to say that I am filled with happiness at winning this award. I was so excited when Gai-sensei told me that I had won this award, I had a nervous breakdown which put me in the hospital from spastic injuries."

The crowd buzzed with suppressed laughter at this. Lee paused for a moment, then went on.

"My mental disorders are: ADD, Schizophrenia, Social Ineptitude and Chronic Spazz Syndrome. But hey! Who wouldn't have Schizophrenia, among other various mental problems, after five minutes (let alone two years) with Gai-sensei?"

The audience laughed, and Gai furrowed his brow. Lee looked confused but read on.

"Gai-sensei is the best sensei in the universe. The reason he runs such a tight ship is because his greatest strength as a Jonin is beating the insubordination out of thirteen-year-old Genin."

This time, some of the audience gasped in shock. Most of them laughed. Lee, who was starting to look a bit shaken, continued.

"From Gai-sensei, I have learned not to care what others think of me. That from defeat, I should use my humiliation to fuel ridiculous, over-the-top training sessions to prove my worth to him. That if I beat my body into submission, my enemies will not have the chance, just like he said."

This time the whole audience laughed. Gai, however, was looking more and more pissed off by the minute.

"He has taught me that no matter what, I must win every battle, no matter how petty or childish." He stopped to look dismayed as the audience laughed again.

"Naturally talented people may get all the fans, but I am here today for my efforts." Lee sighed with relief, thinking that the worst was over. "Team 6 and I are proud to show the world who we are and our advanced level of capability. And if you would call that arrogant, obnoxious, socially inept behavior-THEN YOU ARE A JUDGEMENTAL SACK OF-" Lee said a word that offended everyone in the audience that wasn't already suppressing hysteria. Gai looked like he was about to pass out.

"I would also like to thank Sakura Haruno, the greatest friend in the world, and the most beautiful girl in Konoha." Lee smiled to himself, thinking that his speech was finally getting good. Sasuke, on the other hand, knew that the best was yet to come. He squirmed in his seat in anticipation.

"As a last statement, I would like to say, without a doubt, that I, Rock Lee, am a douche bag!"

This time, the audience held nothing back. Everyone was completely hysterical with laughter, from Gaara, who was holding his sides to keep them from splitting, to Kabuto, who was wiping tears from under his glasses. Laughing the hardest of all were Naruto and Sasuke, who were holding onto each other and convulsing.

Shocked, Lee looked back at his paper. "Douche bag?" he uttered weakly. The audience howled with mirth, and he ran offstage.

Gai turned to Kakashi, his face purpling with rage. "What's the meaning of this?!" He thundered. "That speech was terrible!"

Kakashi shrugged. "Hey, you're the one who wanted Sasuke to write it."

Gai stammered stupidly, as though the gears in his head were grinding together. "Fine, Kakashi! Sasuke wins this round!" And with that, he stalked off to find his douche bag student.

It was almost an hour before Naruto and Sasuke recovered. By then, everyone else had left, either to go home and laugh more or to go call an abuse hotline to report Gai. Lee had come back to slump against the lectern and mope. He hadn't moved in for half an hour.

Just then, Sakura came onstage. "Hey, Lee." She said. "I really liked your speech."

"Do not patronize me, Sakura." He said. "I know that it was terrible."

Sakura, who was flat broke and starving, was not going to let up until Lee had agreed to buy her food. "Well, I really liked the part about me." She flipped her hair emphatically.

"Really?" Lee asked, looking hopeful.

Sakura nodded. "Say, Lee, you want to go get some ramen?"

Lee beamed. "I would love to, Sakura!" They started to walk away.

Naruto, who was still in his seat next to Sasuke, said "Oh crap. I'd better break up this date fast." He started to get up, but Sasuke held him back.

"Let them go. They deserve each other."

"I guess you're right," Naruto said. "But man, you really nailed him with that speech, Sasuke! That was awesome!"

Sasuke grinned. "Oh, that's not all I did."

"What do you mean?"

"That speech will be the least of his troubles. Just wait until he gets home tonight."

THE END.


End file.
